The last few days have been a flurry of activity, with athletes replacing the spring breakers. The roads have been filled with Ironman competitors biking and running, and generally just showing off their fit bodies and expensive equipment. To say the least, it's been a bit intimidating. Seeing the level of fitness down here makes me question my own abilities to complete this race. It also sends tornadoes of nerves in my direction obliterating any structure of confidence I have. Maybe it's a problem with my own self image. However, a nice group of people asking if I was a pro because "I look like a pro", and a gentleman asking if I was "Matt" (as in Matthew Russell), gave me a much needed heroin shot of confidence.
And now, the next sunrise I see will be directly in my sight line toward the first turn buoy at Ironman Los Cabos. At the present time I am very calm and thinking only in the present. Over the past week I have found myself thinking of everything that may happen during the race, which only served to make me more nervous. I have done a couple of pre race swims, which have really helped me get used to the open water down here. Additionally, a friend and I drove the bike course, which in fact will be much hillier than I expected (and I was expecting hilly). Most of the people a I have talked with who have done this race before have told me that for my first Ironman I probably chose the hardest one. Yippie.
This of course changes my expectations a bit. In fact now I have none. I haven't even really thought about how I hope to finish this race, only that I do finish. Regardless, I'm in for a long, hot, windy, and hilly day. But I have already won. I am healthier and happier now than I have ever been. A little over a year ago I sat recovering from shoulder surgery, binge eating donuts, and now I am about to test myself in an Ironman. Additionally, because of generous donations from friends and family, three charities have raised over $1500 each. Regardless of how (or if) I finish, life is, and will continue to be, good.
I'm going to cut this post short, since I have a long night of ceiling fan staring to do. I won't even pretend I'm going to sleep tonight. I'll follow up with a more detailed and thorough race report after the race.
From Unhealthy, Unhappy, and Injured to Ironman - Chronicling My Experiences as an Amateur Triathlete, and Pontificating About Good Life Habits. Visit www.adamhilltri.com for updates!
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Ironman Los Cabos 2014 Part 1 - Arrival and Adaptation
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| View of the swim start (the last point in the center left) from the host hotel, the Barcelo Grand Faro |
One thing I anticipated, but now feel a bit unprepared for, is the heat. It is hotter than usual here, and is likely to get into the 90's on race day. As I write this, I am one of the few people sitting in full exposed sun in a last ditch attempt to acclimate.
Arriving yesterday, I had a lot to keep me distracted, which kept my mind calm. I had to unpack, hit the store to stock up on veggies, get a couple workouts in, and just get settled in. Today, however, I have abolutely nothing to do but relax and sit next to the pool. It sounds awesome, doesn't it? Well, it is, but it's been a long time since I had a whole day with only myself doing nothing. I find that before a race, it is really hard to not do anything. I feel like I should be getting a run in, or a bike, or a quick swim. However, this is a rest day, and I have to take it easy. I have seen many athletes running, biking, and swimming, and I have to admit it made me a bit antsy. But I have to follow my training plan, not theirs.
Being alone does give me a chance to kind of blend into the background and just people watch, and there is no shortage of that here. Whatever desire to drink and be a part of the party scene I have ever had is gone now, and I'm grateful to see the world from this perspective. I was up at the rising of the sun, and able to appreciate San Jose del Cabo in its beauty well before many people were coming to. I see many people laying by the pool "recovering" rather than relaxing, or they are just continuing the party from the night before.
The locals seem to be really interested in and supportive of the incoming athletic community. They are asking all sorts of questions, wanting to help out in any way, and just being super friendly. When I asked someone about it, they said they're interested because it only happens once a year, and it brings a different, more positive vibe to the area than what is typical.
The locals seem to be really interested in and supportive of the incoming athletic community. They are asking all sorts of questions, wanting to help out in any way, and just being super friendly. When I asked someone about it, they said they're interested because it only happens once a year, and it brings a different, more positive vibe to the area than what is typical.
Today is the calm before the storm. Tomorrow, I will begin my day with an ocean swim at Punta Palmilla, take a 90 minute spin, and run for about a half hour. This should give me a good opportunity to swim the course, and get used to running in the heat a bit. As I walked into town today, I have to say that I felt reallly good and confident. I wasn't overwhelmed by the heat, wasn't huffing and puffing up hills, and was able to keep my heart rate down. Makes me feel like I was able to acclimate pretty successfully. However, I will still have to hydrate properly and keep down my nutrition in order to be successful in this heat. It can be deceiving.
Also on the agenda for tomorrow is athlete check in. I will get all my "stuff" for the Ironman, which includes transition bags, special needs bags, swim cap, and wrist bands. The expo also opens, so I can check out all of the fancy gear that is far too expensive.
I'll check in again tomorrow after I am able to preview the run and swim a little bit. Unfortunately, I have to wait on the bike, since it won't be here until Friday. Oh well, those hills will still be there come race day.
I'll check in again tomorrow after I am able to preview the run and swim a little bit. Unfortunately, I have to wait on the bike, since it won't be here until Friday. Oh well, those hills will still be there come race day.
This is how I party in Cabo. Many spring breakers would probably think it is a waste of a pretty good cooler to fill it with veggies.
Soon to be the most popular place in San Jose del Cabo. I picked up my CO2 cartridges here (to reinflate flat tires) as the first order of business after checking into the hotel. Airlines won't allow you to fly with CO2 cartridges, so I imagine many athletes will be scrambling to get a few here.
Turns out I was mistaken, these do not come complimentary to all Ironman participants.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Ironman Los Cabos 2014 Pre-Race Check In
So a little more about Los Cabos that we didn't already know. We already do know that it's a constant party, which especially "heats up" during Spring Break, it's a popular hangout for Sammy Hagar (and people that look like Sammy Hagar), and that it's a fabulous fishing destination for those that are so inclined. A lesser known fact is that "Los Cabos" is composed of two towns separated by a 20 mile corridor. Cabo San Lucas, which sits at the very tip of the Baja Peninsula and fits the description above, is an absolutely stunning locale, which is no stranger to drunken college students and poor decision making. San Jose del Cabo, the lesser known and more respectable sister, is a bit sleepier and yet is also a very picturesque resort destination. Many also don't know that San Jose del Cabo is the staging ground for the second annual Ironman Los Cabos, to take place on March 30, 2014.
While I've never been to San Jose del Cabo, my previous experiences with Cabo San Lucas and Mexico in general have been less than respectable. No additional detail is needed, this pretty much sums up my previous trips south of the border.
This year, however, is going to be an entirely different experience. While thousands of spring breakers will descend on Los Cabos to experience a tradition of debauchery, I will be coming to swim 2.4 miles, bike 112 miles, and run 26.2 (yes, in Mexico they use the metric system, but I choose to stick to imperial, since listing the distance in kilometers seems much more daunting).
The Course:
The swim begins at Pamilla Beach, a few miles from San Jose del Cabo, and takes one rectangular loop into the ocean to finish a short distance from where it begins. The water temperature historically averages about 72 F in March, but lately it has been around 74. Hopefully it doesn't creep up much higher, as the wetsuit cutoff is 76.1. At that temperature, we will not have the luxury of additional buoyancy (not to mention jellyfish protection) a wetsuit provides.
From there, we will run, jog, walk, or crawl up a quick hill to where our bikes wait for us. From what I've seen, the view here is absolutely gorgeous, but we won't have much of an opportunity to appreciate it, since I will have to commence punishing myself for another 112 miles. The bike course takes a scenic tour of the Los Cabos Corridor, grazing the Easternmost end of Cabo San Lucas and Westernmost end of San Jose del Cabo for a total of 3 round trips. The challenges here will be the hills and the wind. I have done my best to acclimate to the heat by wearing ridiculous amounts of layers on even the warmest of training days, but not much can really prepare you for the wind. Tailwinds and headwinds are okay because at least it balances out a bit. The crosswinds we are likely to face are another story, since more energy is then exerted just trying to keep the bike from flying across Mexico 1.
We bike into transition 2, which will be located (I think) in downtown San Jose del Cabo. From there, we say goodbye to our bikes and don our running shoes for the marathon. This will be my first marathon, and I'm not sure what to expect from the course. It is supposed to be hot, which I've done everything I can to prepare for. It's also supposed to be three "laps", which from what I've seen by the looks of last year's Garmin files will resemble more of a Cabo pub crawl rather than a marathon. In all seriousness they did their best to condense 26.2 miles into a small town, which will require a lot of switchbacks and turnarounds. The biggest challenge here, aside from finding the energy after a long day of swimming and biking, will be purely psychological. I will have to run by the finishing chute three times before actually being able to "finish" the race.
The Trip:
I arrive in Cabo on Tuesday, March 25th, a few days before the race. The intent is to acclimate further to the heat, and get a feel for the race course. My wife and my bike will both be arriving Friday, my bike via TriBike Transport. We will be staying at the host hotel, Barcelo Grand Faro (formerly Hola Grand Faro, formerly formerly Crown Plaza). That is where most of the pre-race expos and meetings will be held, so it should be a prime location.
I have a few workouts scheduled during the week, but Wednesday and Friday are rest days so I won't be missing my bike too much. I do wish that I could have it for my Thursday workout, but that's not meant to be. I'll have to settle for a really quick pre-race bike ride the day before the race. Bike check in will be on Saturday, where we leave our bikes and transition bags at Punta Pamilla.
The Plan:
From everything I've heard, a well executed plan is the best recipe for a good race day. I've already done all the training that I can do, there is no more that I can do to improve my fitness before race day. The best I can do is to fully taper and focus on the plan.
So what is the plan? In a nutshell, it's to finish looking closer to this...
Than to this...
I'm pretty certain I'll fall somewhere between the two.
It is easy to fantasize about the best possible race, but probably not necessarily best to focus solely on that vision. If I have the best swim I can, the best bike I can, and the best run I can, there is a chance I can be Kona-bound. But for that to happen, absolutely everything would have to go well (including some of the fittest people not showing up to this race). However, I do not have the luxury of a cushion at this point. That is to say that I'm not a "tip of the spear" athlete, so much of what it would take to do well enough to secure a Kona slot would be pure luck, and therefore it can't be part of my race plan. I have to plan to have my best race given the conditions and my condition. Being my first Ironman, there is a lot I don't know of what to expect. Therefore I will be happy to finish and have a good time.
As far as nutrition on race day goes, I will start my day with one of my signature smoothies, which includes bananas, fruit, and oats. On the swim I plan to drink a ton of sea water. I don't want to, but it's likely that I will, so I'm just planning on it. To avoid getting punched in the face, I will line up a few rows back from the front on the right hand side. If I do end up freaking out, I can swim out into open water and have a tantrum there, not in the middle of the melee. If all goes well, I will be out of the water within an hour and a half.
During the race I plan to carry two bottles on the bike. My bottle on the aero bars will hold water, which I will refresh at the aid stations as needed. My bottle on the seat tube will hold my specialty blend of 140.6 Fluid Energizer (developed by team Mark Allen). I will have one bottle with about 1,150 calories when I start the race, and one waiting for me at special needs (at mile 56). This will amount to about 375 calories per hour. Within that bottle of sugary goodness will be about 1,100 mg per hour of sodium (mixed with magnesium and potassium) so that I can maintain electrolytes. I sweat like a wookie in a sauna, so replenishing my salts is a must. So what does this taste like? Imagine a very concentrated 7-Up without the added burden of carbonation, and voila! I will do my best to take a swig of this blend every 20 minutes with a very healthy gulp of water, a very important step as I've tried just drinking the concentrate and it gives me stomach issues (yes, Mom was right about too much sugar - but if you want to eat 3,000 calories of pure sugar, do an Ironman and you'll be golden!). If I get GI issues, it could be game over. My nutrition plan is based on a 6 hour bike ride, since I figure if it takes any longer than that, it's already not going well, so what's a little malnutrition on top of everything?
On the run, I keep it just as simple as the bike. Many people like to have variety because they get bored easily with the same nutrition over the course of 10+ hours. I like to keep it simple. I will be diluting some Honey Stingers in water and keeping them in my fuel belt. For the run I will be taking in about 300 calories and 1,000 mg of salt per hour. My nutrition plan is essentially "less is more". Based on my experience, I would rather be calorie deficient than bloated and gassy (for the benefit of other racers as well. There's enough good food in Mexico to give me the latter). I've trained for the past year in becoming a fat burning machine, so I'm putting that to the test, and hoping I don't have to rely too heavily on carbohydrates. If it turns out I do need more calories, that's what aid stations are for. That's plan B.
I will say that I know exactly what my plan is immediately following the race. It is to fill my face with an enormous burrito as quickly as humanly possible. Yes, I know that a burrito is not authentic Mexican cuisine, but I don't care. At that point I will want someone to stuff as much food as possible into a flour tortilla and hand it over to me for immediate consumption... But I suppose I'll settle for whatever's available.
Next week when I do arrive in Cabo, I will be posting more frequent updates. Stay tuned for that. In the meantime, thanks again to everyone for all the support and well wishes. Regardless of the outcome, it has been a blast, and we raised well over $3,000 for some good causes! This will certainly be a celebration of that generosity.
While I've never been to San Jose del Cabo, my previous experiences with Cabo San Lucas and Mexico in general have been less than respectable. No additional detail is needed, this pretty much sums up my previous trips south of the border.
This year, however, is going to be an entirely different experience. While thousands of spring breakers will descend on Los Cabos to experience a tradition of debauchery, I will be coming to swim 2.4 miles, bike 112 miles, and run 26.2 (yes, in Mexico they use the metric system, but I choose to stick to imperial, since listing the distance in kilometers seems much more daunting).
The Course:
The swim begins at Pamilla Beach, a few miles from San Jose del Cabo, and takes one rectangular loop into the ocean to finish a short distance from where it begins. The water temperature historically averages about 72 F in March, but lately it has been around 74. Hopefully it doesn't creep up much higher, as the wetsuit cutoff is 76.1. At that temperature, we will not have the luxury of additional buoyancy (not to mention jellyfish protection) a wetsuit provides.
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| Ironman Swim |
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| Ironman Cabo Bike Course |
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| Ironman Run Course. Not quite complete or accurate. Hopefully there will be a little more direction once I'm there! |
The Trip:
I arrive in Cabo on Tuesday, March 25th, a few days before the race. The intent is to acclimate further to the heat, and get a feel for the race course. My wife and my bike will both be arriving Friday, my bike via TriBike Transport. We will be staying at the host hotel, Barcelo Grand Faro (formerly Hola Grand Faro, formerly formerly Crown Plaza). That is where most of the pre-race expos and meetings will be held, so it should be a prime location.
I have a few workouts scheduled during the week, but Wednesday and Friday are rest days so I won't be missing my bike too much. I do wish that I could have it for my Thursday workout, but that's not meant to be. I'll have to settle for a really quick pre-race bike ride the day before the race. Bike check in will be on Saturday, where we leave our bikes and transition bags at Punta Pamilla.
The Plan:
From everything I've heard, a well executed plan is the best recipe for a good race day. I've already done all the training that I can do, there is no more that I can do to improve my fitness before race day. The best I can do is to fully taper and focus on the plan.
So what is the plan? In a nutshell, it's to finish looking closer to this...
Than to this...
I'm pretty certain I'll fall somewhere between the two.
It is easy to fantasize about the best possible race, but probably not necessarily best to focus solely on that vision. If I have the best swim I can, the best bike I can, and the best run I can, there is a chance I can be Kona-bound. But for that to happen, absolutely everything would have to go well (including some of the fittest people not showing up to this race). However, I do not have the luxury of a cushion at this point. That is to say that I'm not a "tip of the spear" athlete, so much of what it would take to do well enough to secure a Kona slot would be pure luck, and therefore it can't be part of my race plan. I have to plan to have my best race given the conditions and my condition. Being my first Ironman, there is a lot I don't know of what to expect. Therefore I will be happy to finish and have a good time.
As far as nutrition on race day goes, I will start my day with one of my signature smoothies, which includes bananas, fruit, and oats. On the swim I plan to drink a ton of sea water. I don't want to, but it's likely that I will, so I'm just planning on it. To avoid getting punched in the face, I will line up a few rows back from the front on the right hand side. If I do end up freaking out, I can swim out into open water and have a tantrum there, not in the middle of the melee. If all goes well, I will be out of the water within an hour and a half.
During the race I plan to carry two bottles on the bike. My bottle on the aero bars will hold water, which I will refresh at the aid stations as needed. My bottle on the seat tube will hold my specialty blend of 140.6 Fluid Energizer (developed by team Mark Allen). I will have one bottle with about 1,150 calories when I start the race, and one waiting for me at special needs (at mile 56). This will amount to about 375 calories per hour. Within that bottle of sugary goodness will be about 1,100 mg per hour of sodium (mixed with magnesium and potassium) so that I can maintain electrolytes. I sweat like a wookie in a sauna, so replenishing my salts is a must. So what does this taste like? Imagine a very concentrated 7-Up without the added burden of carbonation, and voila! I will do my best to take a swig of this blend every 20 minutes with a very healthy gulp of water, a very important step as I've tried just drinking the concentrate and it gives me stomach issues (yes, Mom was right about too much sugar - but if you want to eat 3,000 calories of pure sugar, do an Ironman and you'll be golden!). If I get GI issues, it could be game over. My nutrition plan is based on a 6 hour bike ride, since I figure if it takes any longer than that, it's already not going well, so what's a little malnutrition on top of everything?
On the run, I keep it just as simple as the bike. Many people like to have variety because they get bored easily with the same nutrition over the course of 10+ hours. I like to keep it simple. I will be diluting some Honey Stingers in water and keeping them in my fuel belt. For the run I will be taking in about 300 calories and 1,000 mg of salt per hour. My nutrition plan is essentially "less is more". Based on my experience, I would rather be calorie deficient than bloated and gassy (for the benefit of other racers as well. There's enough good food in Mexico to give me the latter). I've trained for the past year in becoming a fat burning machine, so I'm putting that to the test, and hoping I don't have to rely too heavily on carbohydrates. If it turns out I do need more calories, that's what aid stations are for. That's plan B.
I will say that I know exactly what my plan is immediately following the race. It is to fill my face with an enormous burrito as quickly as humanly possible. Yes, I know that a burrito is not authentic Mexican cuisine, but I don't care. At that point I will want someone to stuff as much food as possible into a flour tortilla and hand it over to me for immediate consumption... But I suppose I'll settle for whatever's available.
Next week when I do arrive in Cabo, I will be posting more frequent updates. Stay tuned for that. In the meantime, thanks again to everyone for all the support and well wishes. Regardless of the outcome, it has been a blast, and we raised well over $3,000 for some good causes! This will certainly be a celebration of that generosity.
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| Leaving my bike for TriBike Transport. See you in a week! |
Friday, February 28, 2014
Running Scared
A year ago, when I waved the forefinger of my one good arm in the air and proclaimed confidently to the heavens that "I would complete an Ironman", a year was a long way off. So far off in fact, that I needn't let March 30, 2014 worry me at all. It was a lifetime away, and certainly enough time to be adequately prepared to survive a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and 26 mile run. My daughter would be in Kindergarten by then, my son with a healthy vocabulary. Here we are a month away, with my daughter in Kindergarten, my son already talking back to Mom & Dad. About a month away from the race, and I'll admit that I'm terrified. It turns out that regardless of how well prepared I may be, I'm are still venturing into unknown territory. And most fear is rooted in the unknown.
Within the last year, I have fully healed from an injured shoulder, cleaned up unhealthy habits and unhealthy thinking. I have surpassed my goals with training and racing, and believe I am well capable of completing the Ironman in 17 hours. In fact, I have been close to the front of the pack in most of the races I have run. While I'm not the tip of the spear, so to speak, I am closer to being the string that ties the pointy end of the spear to the stick that carries it. I could not be more prepared than I am right now. But the feeling of fear still grinds at the pit of my stomach.
So what exactly am I afraid of? Well, to make it easy, here's a fun little top ten list of things which may make a triathlete fearful before their first Ironman, some far fetched, others... fetched?
Within the last year, I have fully healed from an injured shoulder, cleaned up unhealthy habits and unhealthy thinking. I have surpassed my goals with training and racing, and believe I am well capable of completing the Ironman in 17 hours. In fact, I have been close to the front of the pack in most of the races I have run. While I'm not the tip of the spear, so to speak, I am closer to being the string that ties the pointy end of the spear to the stick that carries it. I could not be more prepared than I am right now. But the feeling of fear still grinds at the pit of my stomach.
So what exactly am I afraid of? Well, to make it easy, here's a fun little top ten list of things which may make a triathlete fearful before their first Ironman, some far fetched, others... fetched?
- As odd as it sounds, there's the fear of being afraid. There is a lot of standing around and waiting before the gun goes off. That leaves a lot of time to be in my own head, which never ends well. For example, getting to the start line and succumbing to my fear in the form of a storm of gravity pulling all my blood from my head, at which point I collapse in an embarrassing heap, ending my race before it begins. Here comes the stretcher, making its way through the throngs of swimmers, now delayed in their start because some poor schmuck couldn't harden up. All eyes on me, as I'm carried off the beach in the opposite direction of where the race is to begin.
- The fear of getting sick right before the race. Thus far this year I've been lucky, but I don't want to tempt fate as chances are if I do get sick, it will happen just as I'm getting ready to race.
- The fear of being halfway through the swim and then having to go to the bathroom. I mean, "grab a newspaper and some matches" go to the bathroom. Although, this may help me swim faster, or clear away any congestion from other swimmers.
- The fear of other people around me having similar "bathroom issues".
- The fear of panicking mid-swim. It's a long way out, and it will take a lot of effort just getting through the beach start, or as I call it the "Braveheart Start".
- The fear of being skewered Crocodile Hunter style by a giant stingray. Heck, defiled by any sea creature, big or small, would be unpleasant
- The fear of getting one mile into the bike and realizing "crap, this is really hard." Well, duh.
- The fear of blowing out multiple tires, dropping a chain, breaking a pedal, hitting an armadillo and exploding... any number of mechanical problems which would not be able to be fixed.
- The fear of having a diva-esque meltdown at around mile 20 of the run. At this point it is possible that some racers are so worn out that they may lie down prostrate in the middle of the road sobbing uncontrollably, chastising poor volunteers for running out of Snickers bars.
- Of course, the dreaded "DNF". Could be for any number of reasons, catastrophic to simple. But the result is the same: Failure to accomplish a much sought after goal.
When I look at it that way, and when I diminish my fears by writing them down, seeing how silly they actually are, and recognizing that they are out of my control, it makes it easier to face them head on. That's not to say that I won't still be completely terrified a month from now, standing with 1499 other people covered in neoprene, waiting for a horn to sound which will begin an intense day of suffering, head games, loss of bodily functions, and diva-esque behavior. But it does mean that I can do my best to be prepared, stop worrying about what I can't control, and take the race as I now try to take my life; moment by moment, challenge by challenge... and hope to God that I just finish on my feet, with a smile on my face.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Quiet Insanity
I know that this post will be a bit tangential from others I have written, but there has been a lot of discussion on this issue, and I wanted to share my thoughts. While I don't ever really take to the interwebs to gossip about celebrities, or chatter about lifestyles of the rich and famous, I was drawn to the sad news stories regarding the death of Phillip Seymour Hoffman recently. In the same way, a few months ago I was similarly drawn to the stories of the death of Corey Monteith. While countless others have shared the same fate of Hoffman and Monteith, these are two people who were in the public eye, and for all intents and purposes didn't fit our typical view of what one who dies of an overdose should look like. They weren't violent criminals, they didn't live under an overpass, and they maintained their incredible talent until the day they died.
This of course let to feelings of shock around the world when news surfaced of their respective deaths. Despite this, the comment threads across all the news sites were ablaze with speculation and opinion, which left me feeling really sad for the way that many people (at least those who are most vocal) choose to understand addiction. I won't repeat what I read on those threads here, but I will say that the overwhelming sense that I got was that there was a lot of negativity around the "addict", but not necessarily the "addiction".
Granted, if one wants to live a happy existence, they would do well to stay away from any internet comment boards, lest the attitude and belligerence continuously push their anger buttons. So rather than post comments into those voids, I felt inclined to write a bit about my experience here. Keep in mind, I don't share everyone's experience, and I'm not trying to speak for anyone else but myself. I speak from a very personal level to try to help build understanding on the subject.
Why Even Start Using Drugs or Alcohol?
Well, there are a lot of reasons, and it's different for every person. For me, I started drinking in college, which is nothing strange in and of itself. Sometimes personal or emotional issues come into play, but sometimes not. Alcohol became my drug of choice, and I immediately began a love affair with it. It was, in my head, a solution to all my problems even when it caused more problems. It's all part of the insanity, and the disease which inhibits addicts from appropriately interpreting reality. I was never really presented with the opportunity to try narcotic drugs, so it's hard to say whether or not I would have developed addictions to them or not, but the likely answer is that I would. Many people start earlier in their teens, and for the addict, there is no un-mixing the margarita, so to speak. Therefore the notion that "he shouldn't have started in the first place" is not a helpful statement. 90% of the population can maintain their sanity and use substances in moderation without ill effect. Unfortunately, however you don't know you have a problem until the damage is done. At that point, without help, it is too late.
Why Not Just Practice Moderation or Willpower?
Mark Twain once said said that he smoked cigars in moderation. One at a time. As insane as it sounds, my mind can easily interpret that tongue and cheek comment as a rationalization. That is the disease of alcoholism/addiction. It is a disorder of obsession and compulsion in which we are powerless over the first drink/drug. Once we lose control over our drug of choice, we never have control again. Ever. Ever ever. I can imagine it is hard for normal drinkers to understand this, because they don't obsess over alcohol. "Why not just stop at two?" is a typical question, which is reasonable because that is how most people can think. They can sip their drink and leave it half empty without a second thought. In that situation the alcoholic, on the other hand, can think of nothing else, and under their own willpower they will continue drinking, despite their most sincere intentions to do otherwise. Hence the sincerity in the repeated promises of the addict to maintain control or stop completely. They will always fail if they act on willpower alone because they are powerless over the addiction.
Why Not "Just Stop"?
This relates to the question above, and it concerns powerlessness. To stop completely on our own would imply that we have the control and will to do so. But the disease of alcoholism/addiction suggests that we are powerless over it and no longer have control over our own lives. It's similar to asking someone with chronic and debilitating depression to "cheer up". Or telling someone with OCD to stop messing with the lights. Chances are they want to abide, and have every intention of doing so. But without help they are unable to. Furthermore, it requires people who have developed often strong self centered personalities to become intensely humble so as to admit powerlessness over something which they internally believe is the solution to all their problems, and accept help. I tried many times to just "quit" on my own, but despite the fact that my life improved, I always came back thinking I could control it or just couldn't live without it. It requires a fellowship of like-minded individuals and a strict program to maintain sobriety. Again, this is a disease of insanity which will do anything it can to kill. While we may not want to die, when we are practicing our disease we are slowly killing ourselves, and totally unaware or unwilling to accept that fact. There have been many situations in sobriety where I have looked with envy into the shadiest of dive bars thinking I want what the people inside have. The alcoholic/addict has the ability to fantasize even the most obscene types of drug or alcohol use. It takes my daily program of recovery to keep it foremost in my mind that my disease is not looking out for what's best for me, but wants to kill me, but not before destroying my life altogether.
If Things Get Better Once Sober, Why Relapse?
The unfortunate truth is that the better things get in sobriety, the more dangerous addiction can become. Addition doesn't go away with time. Contrary to common sense, the addiction only gets stronger with time even when we're not using. If things are going very well, there is a likelihood that the user may reduce participation in their own recovery, and soon that will turn into the feeling that they "deserve" a drink or drug. Complacency kills. In very short order, if not immediately, the addict is right back in the worst of it, and all their positive work has been lost. I have also heard that it is these relapses that are the most dangerous because your body is no longer tolerant of the high doses of toxins being put in the body, but the addiction takes us right back to the volume we had used before. A deadly case comparable to the eyes being bigger than the stomach.
Why Do You Consider Addiction a Disease?
I've heard this legitimate question a lot, and have witnessed a lot of resentment with regard to this subject. I've seen a lot of comments about addiction being a choice, not a disease. For example, Mr. Hoffman and Mr. Monteith "chose" to put the needle in their arm, and they shouldn't be compared to innocent victims who die of cancer or other actual diseases. Fair point. But I think it is necessary to remove the comparison of addiction from these other conditions because it's apples and oranges. Simply, if you google "disease", you come up with the following definition: "a disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, esp. one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury." Breaking it down, it is a disorder of structure or function (inability to control a behavior or physical condition)... that produces specific signs or symptoms (obsession, compulsion, inability to function without the substance) or that affects a specific location (the brain) and is not simply the result of physical injury (it is the result of a specific mental condition). This is not to say that responsibility is not taken by the addict for their behavior. On the contrary, many programs of recovery which revolve around abstinence involve treating the mental and spiritual condition while cleaning up wreckage from the past abuses. In this sense the behavior of using the drug of choice is just a symptom of the overall disease. In any respect, in order for a diseased individual to get better, they must be treated.
The truth about addiction is that it never goes away. For those of us afflicted with it, it will always be with us and we have to constantly remember that fact and seek to work with others who share this disease. If we choose to practice willpower or moderation, we will have no choice, and we will fail. As an alcoholic, as one with no control, the only choice I have is to admit that I am powerless, and be willing to surrender my will.
I don't believe that Hoffman, Monteith, or many of the countless others who died as a result of their addictions necessarily wanted to die, or thought they would. But they are examples the indiscriminate nature of this disease, and their death is evidence that it wants to kill us. Addiction really can, and does, affect anybody from all walks of life. Not only are addicts the people living under bridges, or the arrogant rich and famous 20 somethings we hear about on TMZ. They are also doctors, lawyers, business people, philanthropists, ministers, and the list goes on who may have started down the path of addiction for any number of reasons, but due to their disease have since lost all control. I only hope that those who may feel that they have a problem find the willingness to take the first steps in recovery and find the wonderful life that exists in sobriety. I know I have. And I pray on a daily basis that I keep it. After all, regardless of how well I am doing, I am always only one drink away from a relapse.
This of course let to feelings of shock around the world when news surfaced of their respective deaths. Despite this, the comment threads across all the news sites were ablaze with speculation and opinion, which left me feeling really sad for the way that many people (at least those who are most vocal) choose to understand addiction. I won't repeat what I read on those threads here, but I will say that the overwhelming sense that I got was that there was a lot of negativity around the "addict", but not necessarily the "addiction".
Granted, if one wants to live a happy existence, they would do well to stay away from any internet comment boards, lest the attitude and belligerence continuously push their anger buttons. So rather than post comments into those voids, I felt inclined to write a bit about my experience here. Keep in mind, I don't share everyone's experience, and I'm not trying to speak for anyone else but myself. I speak from a very personal level to try to help build understanding on the subject.
Why Even Start Using Drugs or Alcohol?
Well, there are a lot of reasons, and it's different for every person. For me, I started drinking in college, which is nothing strange in and of itself. Sometimes personal or emotional issues come into play, but sometimes not. Alcohol became my drug of choice, and I immediately began a love affair with it. It was, in my head, a solution to all my problems even when it caused more problems. It's all part of the insanity, and the disease which inhibits addicts from appropriately interpreting reality. I was never really presented with the opportunity to try narcotic drugs, so it's hard to say whether or not I would have developed addictions to them or not, but the likely answer is that I would. Many people start earlier in their teens, and for the addict, there is no un-mixing the margarita, so to speak. Therefore the notion that "he shouldn't have started in the first place" is not a helpful statement. 90% of the population can maintain their sanity and use substances in moderation without ill effect. Unfortunately, however you don't know you have a problem until the damage is done. At that point, without help, it is too late.
Why Not Just Practice Moderation or Willpower?
Mark Twain once said said that he smoked cigars in moderation. One at a time. As insane as it sounds, my mind can easily interpret that tongue and cheek comment as a rationalization. That is the disease of alcoholism/addiction. It is a disorder of obsession and compulsion in which we are powerless over the first drink/drug. Once we lose control over our drug of choice, we never have control again. Ever. Ever ever. I can imagine it is hard for normal drinkers to understand this, because they don't obsess over alcohol. "Why not just stop at two?" is a typical question, which is reasonable because that is how most people can think. They can sip their drink and leave it half empty without a second thought. In that situation the alcoholic, on the other hand, can think of nothing else, and under their own willpower they will continue drinking, despite their most sincere intentions to do otherwise. Hence the sincerity in the repeated promises of the addict to maintain control or stop completely. They will always fail if they act on willpower alone because they are powerless over the addiction.
Why Not "Just Stop"?
This relates to the question above, and it concerns powerlessness. To stop completely on our own would imply that we have the control and will to do so. But the disease of alcoholism/addiction suggests that we are powerless over it and no longer have control over our own lives. It's similar to asking someone with chronic and debilitating depression to "cheer up". Or telling someone with OCD to stop messing with the lights. Chances are they want to abide, and have every intention of doing so. But without help they are unable to. Furthermore, it requires people who have developed often strong self centered personalities to become intensely humble so as to admit powerlessness over something which they internally believe is the solution to all their problems, and accept help. I tried many times to just "quit" on my own, but despite the fact that my life improved, I always came back thinking I could control it or just couldn't live without it. It requires a fellowship of like-minded individuals and a strict program to maintain sobriety. Again, this is a disease of insanity which will do anything it can to kill. While we may not want to die, when we are practicing our disease we are slowly killing ourselves, and totally unaware or unwilling to accept that fact. There have been many situations in sobriety where I have looked with envy into the shadiest of dive bars thinking I want what the people inside have. The alcoholic/addict has the ability to fantasize even the most obscene types of drug or alcohol use. It takes my daily program of recovery to keep it foremost in my mind that my disease is not looking out for what's best for me, but wants to kill me, but not before destroying my life altogether.
If Things Get Better Once Sober, Why Relapse?
The unfortunate truth is that the better things get in sobriety, the more dangerous addiction can become. Addition doesn't go away with time. Contrary to common sense, the addiction only gets stronger with time even when we're not using. If things are going very well, there is a likelihood that the user may reduce participation in their own recovery, and soon that will turn into the feeling that they "deserve" a drink or drug. Complacency kills. In very short order, if not immediately, the addict is right back in the worst of it, and all their positive work has been lost. I have also heard that it is these relapses that are the most dangerous because your body is no longer tolerant of the high doses of toxins being put in the body, but the addiction takes us right back to the volume we had used before. A deadly case comparable to the eyes being bigger than the stomach.
Why Do You Consider Addiction a Disease?
I've heard this legitimate question a lot, and have witnessed a lot of resentment with regard to this subject. I've seen a lot of comments about addiction being a choice, not a disease. For example, Mr. Hoffman and Mr. Monteith "chose" to put the needle in their arm, and they shouldn't be compared to innocent victims who die of cancer or other actual diseases. Fair point. But I think it is necessary to remove the comparison of addiction from these other conditions because it's apples and oranges. Simply, if you google "disease", you come up with the following definition: "a disorder of structure or function in a human, animal, or plant, esp. one that produces specific signs or symptoms or that affects a specific location and is not simply a direct result of physical injury." Breaking it down, it is a disorder of structure or function (inability to control a behavior or physical condition)... that produces specific signs or symptoms (obsession, compulsion, inability to function without the substance) or that affects a specific location (the brain) and is not simply the result of physical injury (it is the result of a specific mental condition). This is not to say that responsibility is not taken by the addict for their behavior. On the contrary, many programs of recovery which revolve around abstinence involve treating the mental and spiritual condition while cleaning up wreckage from the past abuses. In this sense the behavior of using the drug of choice is just a symptom of the overall disease. In any respect, in order for a diseased individual to get better, they must be treated.
The truth about addiction is that it never goes away. For those of us afflicted with it, it will always be with us and we have to constantly remember that fact and seek to work with others who share this disease. If we choose to practice willpower or moderation, we will have no choice, and we will fail. As an alcoholic, as one with no control, the only choice I have is to admit that I am powerless, and be willing to surrender my will.
I don't believe that Hoffman, Monteith, or many of the countless others who died as a result of their addictions necessarily wanted to die, or thought they would. But they are examples the indiscriminate nature of this disease, and their death is evidence that it wants to kill us. Addiction really can, and does, affect anybody from all walks of life. Not only are addicts the people living under bridges, or the arrogant rich and famous 20 somethings we hear about on TMZ. They are also doctors, lawyers, business people, philanthropists, ministers, and the list goes on who may have started down the path of addiction for any number of reasons, but due to their disease have since lost all control. I only hope that those who may feel that they have a problem find the willingness to take the first steps in recovery and find the wonderful life that exists in sobriety. I know I have. And I pray on a daily basis that I keep it. After all, regardless of how well I am doing, I am always only one drink away from a relapse.
Monday, February 3, 2014
High Anxiety
These posts have been few and far between, but not from loss of interest. On the contrary, my training volume has increased, and so to have other obligations, which have left me really challenged to make sure I am hitting the marks in all areas of life - personal, family, training, and business. All things seem to be heating up at once, and I am trying my best not to let any of it fall off. Unfortunately, this means writing about my experience has to take a back seat until the heat is turned down a bit. But I do at least want to take some time to check in and give a few words of encouragement to those who may be going through similar situations.
On top of everything going on in my life, with Ironman Cabo less than two months away I am really starting to feel the pressure of the impending race. In fact, as I am writing this, the song of Carmina Burana is running through my head as a soundtrack to the run up to the race (look it up). However, I have been reminding myself that one of the main purposes of this is to find serenity and spiritual peace through triathlon. Regardless of the outcome of the race, I'm successful because I have improved myself spiritually, mentally, and physically. The race itself is a celebration. As I remind myself of that, the fearful anticipation turns into excited and joyful anticipation. As for the rest of the anxieties, it's best to let them go. Ask God to relieve them from me. Then I can focus on what I can control. This has worked wonders for me.
Where am I at with my training now? It is certainly time consuming. However, there are really only a handful of weeks out of the year where the training peaks and it becomes really intense. For me that is right now, and for about the next five weeks. At this point I am swimming up to about 10K a week, running over 40 miles per week, and biking over 150 miles. Combined with a couple days of weight training this comes out to over 20 hours a week. But it makes me really look forward to the taper (oh, the taper!).
On a separate note, I built a bike over the past few weeks. It turns out a frame of the same make I "totaled" was on sale for half price. Figuring I had all of the components already, I decided to rebuild it with the idea that I could keep it on the trainer for indoor rides (so that it wouldn't fall apart on me during a fast descent, and I would only look foolish and not injure myself in a stationary crash), as well as learn all of the parts and workings of a bike up close and personal-like. If you're not interested in the mechanics of rebuilding a bike, by all means stop here. It was nice of you to visit, and I look forward to having you for the next post! However, if you're a nerd like me, then carry on...
On top of everything going on in my life, with Ironman Cabo less than two months away I am really starting to feel the pressure of the impending race. In fact, as I am writing this, the song of Carmina Burana is running through my head as a soundtrack to the run up to the race (look it up). However, I have been reminding myself that one of the main purposes of this is to find serenity and spiritual peace through triathlon. Regardless of the outcome of the race, I'm successful because I have improved myself spiritually, mentally, and physically. The race itself is a celebration. As I remind myself of that, the fearful anticipation turns into excited and joyful anticipation. As for the rest of the anxieties, it's best to let them go. Ask God to relieve them from me. Then I can focus on what I can control. This has worked wonders for me.
Where am I at with my training now? It is certainly time consuming. However, there are really only a handful of weeks out of the year where the training peaks and it becomes really intense. For me that is right now, and for about the next five weeks. At this point I am swimming up to about 10K a week, running over 40 miles per week, and biking over 150 miles. Combined with a couple days of weight training this comes out to over 20 hours a week. But it makes me really look forward to the taper (oh, the taper!).
On a separate note, I built a bike over the past few weeks. It turns out a frame of the same make I "totaled" was on sale for half price. Figuring I had all of the components already, I decided to rebuild it with the idea that I could keep it on the trainer for indoor rides (so that it wouldn't fall apart on me during a fast descent, and I would only look foolish and not injure myself in a stationary crash), as well as learn all of the parts and workings of a bike up close and personal-like. If you're not interested in the mechanics of rebuilding a bike, by all means stop here. It was nice of you to visit, and I look forward to having you for the next post! However, if you're a nerd like me, then carry on...
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| This is the Orbea Ordu SSJ frame, right out of the package. |
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| These are all the parts I removed from the old damaged frame. I was sure to keep everything that I could attached so that any "fit" issues would be addressed once the pieces were put back in place. |
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| Bottom bracket installation. These are a pain to remove, but easy to install after you determine the correct thread direction. Grease is necessary on the threaded areas as well as inside for the installation of the crank set. |
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| Installing the crank set. |
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| Crank set fully installed. |
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| Fork and headset installation was pretty straightforward, but a little tricky with only two hands. It was important to make sure all bearings and spacers were replaced exactly how they were removed, so that the fit and function would be sound. |
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| Rear derailleur installed. Fine tuning the front and rear derailleurs is one of the more formidable tasks associated with bike maintenance. But thanks to YouTube and practice, it can become very easy to accomplish. |
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| Fully assembled bike (except for front wheel of course - that would have been a colossal fail). Oddly enough, the bike chain was the most difficult part to attach. Making sure that the length was just right and the pins were installed correctly was rather difficult and frustrating. Otherwise, cabling the bike was much easier than I had originally thought. |
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Clean Slate
A new year brings with it a relatively clean slate in a number of ways. First of all, after a brief break from training after the Palm Springs half triathlon, I am back at full volume training leading up to Ironman Cabo. As a matter of fact, my training began again on Christmas Eve, and not a moment too soon. I was actually kind of climbing the walls to get back to a routine. I couldn't have imagined how much a couple weeks of break could affect fitness, but it most certainly did.
I have to admit that during the Christmas break I let my ego get the best of me a little bit. I thought that after a solid performance in Palm Springs, and a couple weeks off, I would return to training flying on fresh legs. I couldn't be more wrong. It turns out this was an example of my persistent naivete concerning the effects of training and racing. As I tend to think in other facets of life, "when you have it, you keep it", but I couldn't be more wrong. I felt like I was starting over. Once again my effort seemed very easy, I was going very slow, and my heart rate would fire up at the first hint of a hill. Too much indulgence over the holidays, perhaps? Did I really let myself go over the course of 2 weeks?
What I would learn from talking with my coaches is that it is a natural and normal flow of fitness over the course of a training cycle to see periodic losses of fitness like this. Leading up to a race, you "peak" your fitness, and then you taper (reduce your training leading up to a race), and then you give one last hard effort (the race itself). After that, in addition to a couple recovery weeks, the fitness begins to revert a bit, but it's not prolonged.
Once again I am amazed by the lesson learned, along with the lesson's context in the rest of "real life", which is to say that no matter how strong we may have become, we are often presented with moments of weakness or challenge which test our capacity to be humble. But I would further argue that strength is found in those who are able to consistently practice humility, especially when it is a challenge to do so. Now, I know that I am pole vaulting over potholes with this example. So I slowed down a little. So what? I understand that there are far worse things in the world than that, but I just wanted to demonstrate that point. We are all (myself especially) susceptible to infections of pride and ego, regardless of the situation.
So in short, I am kind of glad that I am starting from scratch in some ways. It helps me to be reminded of my limitations, and practice acceptance, patience, and humility - three things which I have been grateful to learn from this process, but which have unfortunately taken a back seat in recent weeks since I was performing well. Now it's back to work; mind, body, and soul.
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has contributed to the fundraisers on this website. It has been my goal for the last many months to raise $1,000 for each one, and I am proud to say that we have accomplished that goal and then some! That is because of the generosity and support of those that contributed. I am especially thankful for my parents, who made a sizable donation to each one putting us over the top. To you all, I express my deep gratitude. Compassion, Alex's Lemonade Stand, and Feeding America are all great causes doing real good in the world. Because of your generosity, they are able to do just a little more good.
Even though we've passed our goal, these fundraisers will remain open until the race on March 30, 2014, so there is still time to donate. Thank you again for your support!
I have to admit that during the Christmas break I let my ego get the best of me a little bit. I thought that after a solid performance in Palm Springs, and a couple weeks off, I would return to training flying on fresh legs. I couldn't be more wrong. It turns out this was an example of my persistent naivete concerning the effects of training and racing. As I tend to think in other facets of life, "when you have it, you keep it", but I couldn't be more wrong. I felt like I was starting over. Once again my effort seemed very easy, I was going very slow, and my heart rate would fire up at the first hint of a hill. Too much indulgence over the holidays, perhaps? Did I really let myself go over the course of 2 weeks?
What I would learn from talking with my coaches is that it is a natural and normal flow of fitness over the course of a training cycle to see periodic losses of fitness like this. Leading up to a race, you "peak" your fitness, and then you taper (reduce your training leading up to a race), and then you give one last hard effort (the race itself). After that, in addition to a couple recovery weeks, the fitness begins to revert a bit, but it's not prolonged.
Once again I am amazed by the lesson learned, along with the lesson's context in the rest of "real life", which is to say that no matter how strong we may have become, we are often presented with moments of weakness or challenge which test our capacity to be humble. But I would further argue that strength is found in those who are able to consistently practice humility, especially when it is a challenge to do so. Now, I know that I am pole vaulting over potholes with this example. So I slowed down a little. So what? I understand that there are far worse things in the world than that, but I just wanted to demonstrate that point. We are all (myself especially) susceptible to infections of pride and ego, regardless of the situation.
So in short, I am kind of glad that I am starting from scratch in some ways. It helps me to be reminded of my limitations, and practice acceptance, patience, and humility - three things which I have been grateful to learn from this process, but which have unfortunately taken a back seat in recent weeks since I was performing well. Now it's back to work; mind, body, and soul.
I would also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has contributed to the fundraisers on this website. It has been my goal for the last many months to raise $1,000 for each one, and I am proud to say that we have accomplished that goal and then some! That is because of the generosity and support of those that contributed. I am especially thankful for my parents, who made a sizable donation to each one putting us over the top. To you all, I express my deep gratitude. Compassion, Alex's Lemonade Stand, and Feeding America are all great causes doing real good in the world. Because of your generosity, they are able to do just a little more good.
Even though we've passed our goal, these fundraisers will remain open until the race on March 30, 2014, so there is still time to donate. Thank you again for your support!
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